Look BanterGirl!
with Advice Columnist KAYTLIN BAILEY
Porn...for Women!
I feel guilty watching porn because I feel it's anti-feminist. I worry about clicking on something that might end up being an underage girl, or a girl who is involved in the film without her consent. What can I do to make myself feel better about using it?
If you're really worried about somehow supporting content related to the illegal exploitation of vulnerable people, then I'd start with a simple suggestion: Pay for your porn. The history of porn and feminism is complicated and multidimensional. The lived reality of actors in porn is also complicated and multidimensional, as was my work experience as a waitress. Some of it was great, some of it sucked.
That’s true for every single job.
Let's take the road less traveled and think about how porn might be positive for everyone when produced ethically.
The mainstream acceptance of porn plays a pivotal role in creating a culture where all kinds of people can explore what gets them off. What if porn is a major reason that some of us get to live in a culture where we aren't burned alive or stoned to death because of what we do behind closed doors?
It's a misrepresentation of porn to say that it’s all anti-feminist. Even some of the porn genres that appear extreme or violent can be produced without exploiting performers. I know that the ID checks for porn actors are rigorous and that many companies film before and after interviews with performers, especially after BDSM or fetish shoots.
I personally like rape fantasies. I read lots and lots of stories where the main character gets violently and maliciously raped by another fictional character. It’s fine. I’ve seen some of this porn, and I’ve spoken to some actresses who participated in making it. They are also fine.
Women are people, and people make all kinds of choices for all kinds of reasons. Just because a woman is making a different choice than you imagine you would make in a similar situation doesn’t make her choice “anti-feminist.”
The short answer is that if the women who are performing are getting paid and have the ability to articulate and enforce their own boundaries, it’s feminist.
You can reassure yourself that these porn actresses are real people by following them on twitter! You can read some of the feminist articles they retweet or write!
Also, there is a ton of explicitly feminist porn being produced by and for socially conscious wankers. Give those people your money. (Here is a great place to start:
https://www.autostraddle.com/you-need-help-the-quest-for-awesome-porn-155575/)
I'm married to a man, but I watch a lot of porn that is girl on girl. When I watch porn that is girl on guy, I always pretend I'm the guy. Could this mean I am queer? I have never been with a woman.
Look, BanterGirl, sexuality is not an “either or” choice between queer and not queer. Unless we expand the definition of “queer” to mean getting off to things that would be awkward to tell your family and neighbors about. Actually, if you brag about the specifics of how you cum to your family or neighbors, that’s pretty queer.
What you’re really asking is, “Does watching a lot of girl on girl porn indicate that I have repressed lesbian fantasies and therefore my male husband may never be able really to satisfy me sexually?” And the answer is maybe, but probably not.
You're not the first woman I've heard say she imagines being the man while watching porn. Frankly, it makes sense because most porn is shot from a man's perspective and caters to a male audience. That is changing, but slowly. Also, we live in a society that uses sexualized female bodies to sell everything from burgers to car insurance. You don’t have to be a lesbian to think that women are sexy!
If it's working, who cares? Cum hard, sleep better, live longer!
I don’t know how old you are, what you're sexual history is, or what your relationship with your husband it like. I don’t know what “a lot” means to you. Does it mean that when you watch porn, you watch two women? Or does it mean “I’ve lost three jobs because I can’t pull myself away from these hot lesbian pussy lips long enough to participate in my own life?” Is your porn habit causing problems? Or is it just your anxiety about the porn you watch thats causing the trouble? Are you anxious about other things, like gluten?
If you are satisfied with the sex you and your husband have then the kind of porn you watch doesn’t have to mean anything. If you’re unhappy with your sex life you may want to explore your fantasies. You can do that with or without your husband’s consent or Knowledge. It depends a lot on the kind of relationship you have and what kind of relationship you want with him in the future. No judgement.
No one gets a prize at the end of their life because they lied to themselves about what really gets them off.
How do I talk to my spouse about wanting to watch porn with them?
Look BanterGirl, find out what kind of porn your spouse likes, and then watch it with them.
Not liking porn is like not liking country music. You think you don’t like country music because you heard two annoying songs and everyone seems to agree it’s garbage. But you haven’t heard Miranda Lambert, or Patty Loveless, or the genius of Dolly Parton. You haven’t heard the depth of Johnny Cash or understand the origins of Bob Dylan, or you’ve never really listened to George Jones. I don’t care who you are, there is a country song for you.
“Porn” includes a lot. So, go find out what you and your partner really like. Whether it’s porn produced by a black trans activist that includes monologues from all the differently bodied actors about how much fun they had. Or “hidden camera” stuff that feels a little too real. Or really high production value fantasy stuff with costumes, contraptions, and a cinematographer! Go find it, and then pay the people that make it. I know that is easier said than done.
Conversations about sex with people we care deeply about can feel dangerous because the person we might offend is precious to us. I write and talk about sex and sensitive topics for a living, and I still find it difficult to talk about my own sexual preferences with people I really like. I get tongue tied, and sometimes sweaty. It’s weird, but it’s universal.
With a long term partner, understand that you have plenty of time to broach the topic. Start by figuring out how to articulate what you like about watching porn and figure out what your partner’s feelings are on the topic. You may be on the same page already! But, if they “hate” porn, find out why. You want to make your partner feel safe revealing new aspects of their sexuality. They should know that you find surprising revelations exciting instead of scary. (it helps if this is actually true, by the way).
With any non urgent sensitive topic, only bring it up when you’re both calm, well rested, and have time to discuss it privately. Hurling your partner’s prudishness at them during a fight when you’ve both been drinking is a bad strategy. Be patient with your partner and yourself, this stuff if hard.
Email Kaytlin for advice at: kaytlinb@gmail.com