Featured Writer: Rachel Meghan
Sex & Relationships When You're a Grown Ass-Woman
RACHEL MEGHAN shares her tips on falling in love with gay men, saying the “L” uncomfortably soon, and holding on for dear life when her ex’s have attempted to break things off.
Before anything else, let me just say, I do NOT consider myself a grown-ass woman. I’m 22, and not ready to be given the responsibility of any sort of sexual or romantic relationship at this point in my life. Not to mention the fact that literally all of my experiences have been pretty shitty. But I digress.
I haven’t been in a relationship in two years. I haven’t had sex in almost that long, haven’t even kissed anyone. I’m not too torn-up about it though. I don’t wanna go on a bullshit rant about how I’m “dating myself” or “focusing on my career” because that wouldn’t be entirely true. I get lonely sometimes. I’m an affectionate person and don’t always know how to let my feelings out. At the same time, I’ve been through some shit, between mental health issues and abusive relationships and losing my dad, so even if I wanted to, committing myself to another person just wouldn’t be fair to anyone.
In addition to that, my romantic and sexual experiences have been bizarre. For one thing, literally all of my hook-ups or partners have been theatre people. I’ve never dated anyone outside of my very specific interests. Both of my legitimate ex-boyfriends have been weirdly obsessed with Kingdom Hearts, a video game that I never want to hear about again. Not to mention the fact that every man I’ve dated has been queer. Which is cool, I’m a proud queer woman, but considering the fact that I lost my virginity to someone who came out as gay literally a month later, I’m starting to wonder what this trend could mean.
My first romantic interest was someone I met while doing a high school production of Les Miserables. He would wear top hats and was obsessed with Doctor Who. I thought he was so hot. And me being the opposite of a grown-ass woman at the time, I told him I was in love with him the second week of rehearsals. I’m still very open about my feelings in a sense, but since then I’ve learned to distinguish love from initial lust. But I can’t deny that I do get attached very quickly.
I liked this guy for almost a year. He swore up and down that he didn’t return those feelings, but would still make out with me every now and then. Meanwhile I also had a crush on another person in our tight, incestuous circle of theatre friends, with whom I had my first experience sneaking out of the house for. That year leading up to going away for college was one long learning experience, and made me a little more self-aware about my obsessive tendencies when it comes to other people.
When I left my hometown for New York, I took some time for myself. I didn’t really have many friends, I smoked weed constantly, I kept myself distant from others. I knew what I was like and didn’t want to make a bad first impression. However, by the end of my freshman year, I had my first boyfriend (who I dated for about five days, or a “business week”), made out with a random guy from one of my classes (something I vowed to never do again), and lost my virginity to one of my theatre friends, mostly because I was sad and he was the only one giving me attention.
My first real relationship was with a guy that I met in passing at a movie theatre, and then again on OKCupid. He was wonderful at first, it seemed way too good to be true. About two months in, things went sour. I was going through family issues, and he was completely lost in life. He cheated on me a few months later with a guy that was in love with him. When he told me, all I could do was comfort him. I had grown dependent on him and didn’t want to lose him.
I stayed with him for nine months. I let him control me for that long, plus the additional four months after that when we continued to talk and occasionally hook up. Finally he found someone else, so I bit the bullet and dropped him cold-turkey. But I wouldn’t let him go for so long. I would get upset and freak out, but I honestly didn’t know any different at that point in my life. Now as a result, I’m afraid of getting into another relationship.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have been, for lack of a better phrase, the crazy ex-girlfriend. It’s a misogynistic term that I don’t like to use, not to mention the fact that as a person suffering from a mental illness, the word “crazy” seems derogatory. But that’s what I’ve heard at least once from all of the people I’ve been involved with. I will tell people I love them too soon, I will jump into relationships really quickly, I’ll have a hard time letting go when they inevitably do cut things off. I like to think I’ve learned since then, but it’s been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to truly test it.
So I am far from a grown-ass woman in that respect. I need to give myself time to grow and move on from my past before I start involving myself with other people again. It may sound pathetic, but I firmly believe that everyone has their own path and will discover what they truly need at varying points in life. I cherish the relationships I have with my friends, and honestly, platonic love is what’s best for me right now. Besides, I’m too fucking cute for anyone anyway.
Rachel Meghan
Website: http://www.rachelmeghan.com
