Featured Writer: Melanie Hamlett
Porn...for Women!
Writer and Moth Champ Storyteller, MELANIE HAMLETT, shares with BanterGirl her penchant for watching porn, masturbating every day, and fucking a lot of dudes on Tinder.
I masturbate to porn every day.
And I mean every day.
It’s literally the first thing I do when I wake up every morning and, boy, what a fantastic way to start the day. I’m a 39-year-old single woman with the sex drive of a teenage boy and a uterus that screams “BABY BABY BABY NOW NOW NOW” relentlessly despite my sincere desire not to ever have one. So, what’s a girl to do? I’ve got needs, goddamnit.
I’m not sure what other women do to be happy, healthy, and stay out of bad relationships with awful men, but I know what works for me: watching porn, masturbating every day, and fucking a lot of dudes on tinder.
It’s almost shocking to hear myself talking like such a shameless slut (sorry—sex positive female), given what a sexual prude I’ve been most my life (and a southern one to boot!). Despite having bouts of hate fucks and one night stands here and there, I spent a huge chunk of my adult life totally celibate. When I did actually have sex, it was usually nothing more than watching d-bags jack themselves off with my vagina. Fun stuff!
I eventually deprogrammed my rape-culture warped mind and started choosing my one night stands and flings a little better; no more push-your-head-down kind of guys for this here little lady! I even went beyond my usual fling-style relationships and started dating a dude I was fucking a while back. For almost a year—a big deal for such a commitaphobe—I let myself fall in love for the first time, and that was pretty neat.
But then, oops, he tried to kill me, so I had to skedaddle.
I took a year off from dating entirely after I got away from him. Not just because of the whole trying-to-kill-me thing, but because he’d raped me a few times, too, before I left, just for good measure. And boy is getting raped a real mind fuck, y’all!
All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I found myself legitimately terrified of men, which was so weird for me. I’m a tomboy who plays in dirt and climbs rocks and likes to sleep in her truck for fun. I’ve spent my whole adult life working in male dominated industries like outdoor adventure, film, and comedy. I fucking love men! And, I love fucking men. Hell, I practically am one at times, it seems. But then, all of a sudden, I found myself avoiding places where one might hit on me. And every time I saw one checking me out, I’d immediately think, “If I dated that guy, would he, like, try to rape me?”
God, I hated thinking like this.
So, I took some time to myself and put this little peach under lock and key in order to get over this trauma and build myself back up. I figured I’d just go back into one of those celibacy-induced sex comas like the good old days when I hated sex anyway.
But the idea of that really pissed me off. Why should I let this man ruin my relationship with my vagina? Fuck that shit.
So, I bought a vibrator on amazon and decided that during my year of abstinence, I was going to use it on my clit every goddamn day because healing your vagina is part of healing yourself, not ignoring her and hoping she forgets what happened down there.
The problem was, every time I came, I thought of him. Which made me cry. And crying for bad reasons during an orgasm is not really the goal here.
But I kept doing it because I had to. ‘Cuz fuck that guy.
Then, one morning, almost by divine intervention, I stumbled upon some shitty porn on Tumblr. Hot damn that shit got me wet! I pulled out my little silver bullet and, for the first time since leaving that guy, I didn’t cry when I came because now I was fucking this dude right here on my iPhone screen, not that terrible dude from my past.
I know what you’re thinking, ladies. But porn is so degrading! Yup. And it’s so violent! Sure is. I’m not a fan of this reality either, but I honestly didn’t care at the time because I finally had something that would get me turned on quickly, make me cum super fast, and didn’t make me think of that darned rapist.
Come to find out, I can’t get off to the same video more than once for whatever reason, so I ended up watching a lot of porn. And, I soon realized that if you can ignore the disturbing stuff (like men spitting on women’s faces and examining their holes after they’ve pounded them) or the down right hilarious stuff (like a golden retriever barking in the background or a man sticking an eggplant up a woman’s butt), there’s actually a lot to learn from porn.
Like, why guys always try to cum on your face. This always used to piss me off because I’m not a fucking fire hydrant, yo. But it made sense now. Porn ladies like it, so all women must! But porn is written by men, for men, and about men. Not for us. So I had to get used to that. I mean, they don’t even show the dude’s face most of the time. Just his cock and torso. It’s so one-sided, I’d find myself clapping when I recognized one of these headless dudes. “Hey! It’s alphabet-tattooed-down-his-thigh guy again!” Totally ridiculous, y’all. But informative. I finally felt like I understood hetero men—they appear to like balls placed in mouths, assholes more than vaginas, and women who squirt. And here I’d thought squirting was a myth all this time. Or just piss.
No, that shit is for real!
Besides understanding men’s fantasies and weird ass behaviors in bed, these daily doses of porn started to change my own fantasies. As my year of abstinence marched on and I became bored with normal-ish stuff, I found myself watching videos that were progressively more fucked up than the last ones. Like two, even three dicks in one hole (yeah, that’s possible!). I have absolutely no desire to be torn in half like that, but it’s kind of hot to watch. Things finally crossed a line one day when I found myself getting turned on by the worst thing ever. Rape porn.
Yup, that’s a thing.
Now, of course I wasn’t into into the violent-ish kind of rape cuz that was my ex’s preferred style of making women feel dead inside. No, my kind of rape porn was on this site called rapeinsleep.com. I kid you not, that’s the address. There are actually loads of sites like this where dudes fuck girls who are passed out on ruffies.
Now, in my defense, I didn’t like these because of the raping (“they’re only acting!” I’d justify). No, I liked them because the men on these sites were usually super gentle and loving with their women folk (I know that sounds crazy). After watching months of normal porn where the dudes are always slapping women’s faces or choking them, I found it quite refreshing that these guys were actually kind of nice! And they whispered. (I guess you don’t want to wake up the sleepy girl you’re raping).
I also preferred these sick ass videos because I only heard the man’s panting and coming noises for once. Women in most pornos scream and moan in the most exaggerated, nonsensical way (when the men aren’t anywhere near their clits!) and I always found myself wishing (or even yelling at them!) to shut the FUCK up already. All that faking and bad acting drives me bananas.
But ruffied women don’t make any noise!
After a while, though, I started to feel guilty and hate myself because I knew with every click, I was supporting these bullshit sites that perpetuated rape culture. Such a bad feminist, Melanie! So, I started looking for porn where the men weren’t raping or slapping the girls and, voila! I found my solution.
Foreign porn.
Would you believe these guys actually get off on getting their women off? I know, as a female American in a culture filled with Brock Tuner-type dudes, it’s hard to believe these men exist sometimes or that it should actually be the norm. But watching these foreign videos actually started to give me hope. I saw sex in a whole new light now. What I should expect in bed. What I’m entitled to, even. And how much power I have as a woman in that bedroom.
So, after my year of gaining back my confidence, recovering from all that trauma, and fucking porn dudes via my iPhone, I decided I was ready to get out there and deal with human men again. But, obviously, a relationship was not something I could jump right into. It would take a while for me to be willing to trust a man with my heart again. So, I took it slow and learned how to go out on a lot of awesome, non-fucking dates with nice men I liked (‘cuz sleeping with the guys I might actually want to date always ensures I never will). I let them buy me dinner and do nice things for me and was pleasantly surprised that none of them expected a piece of my ass in return.
See, men are good!
But, I also really needed to trust men again in the bedroom to not associate my vagina with a rapist. I needed someone who could touch my face, put a dick in me, and spoon me afterwards, but from a safe emotional distance.
So, I joined tinder and started fucking a shit ton of dudes.
Not just any dudes of course. No way, man. I created a strict vetting system and a douche-proof firewall that I take super seriously. It’s based on two rules—I don’t even speak to men anymore as soon as I see a red flag, and I pay close attention to the way they speak to me. I’ve gotten so good at vetting that I can tell within the first five texts if they are entitled/rapey or if they’re going to eat my pussy. In a little over a year’s time, I’ve slept with probably 40 men and every single one of them has eaten my pussy and was more than happy to do so.
Now, that’s what I’m talking about!
Thanks to foreign porn, I’ve made it a requirement now. A man’s got to make sure I cum before he gets to fuck me. I’m over being a masturbatory device for anyone. This vagina is precious and deserves respect.
During this amazing year, thanks to my porn education, I’ve also been trying out new things in bed, things I’d seen the porn girls do, like rubbing my clit during intercourse. I’d never done this in the past because I thought men’s egos were too fragile to handle such things. Maybe they were, but I only fuck confident guys now and they think that shit is hot. I even use my vibrator on my clit during sex now and they all seem cool with that too. Some prefer it, even. And just recently, I hooked up with this sweet Canadian dude who made me—get this— squirt. I’m a squirter, you guys! Who’da thought?!
So, I’ve finally figured out how to be a healthy, sexually empowered single woman in her 30s: I masturbate to porn every day, go on dates with nice men I might want to date (but don’t fuck ‘em), and have a few one night stands a month with awesome guys passing through town (and there are tons of those in LA).
I truly believe this is what keeps a horny gal like me from getting into relationships with men who are good at eating pussy but awful at doing life. Until my first relationship, I’d never realized the importance of red flags or the power of that little “bonding” hormone called oxytocin. It’s a real bitch, y’all! It can convince even the smartest, most empowered feminist to date the worst person ever, even when you know damn well you deserve better or see red flags all over his Peter Pan ass. And if you get all dick-matized and actually fall in love with the fella, you’re reeeeeally screwed. Stupid clit and her veto power! Once my judgment is clouded by oxytocin goggles, I couldn’t care care less about some dumb red flag. And that’s exactly what almost got me killed.
They say men think with their “other” head. Well, try having a clit that rules with an iron first!
Besides all the things I’ve learned about myself (and straight men in general), the biggest payoff from masturbating and porn has been this—it took my sexual power out of men’s hands and put it into my own. I’ve never needed a man to take care of me in any other realm. Why depend on them for this one thing? Until recently, I didn’t know how to be honest or ask for what I needed in bed. Hell, I didn’t even know what I needed. Now, I know exactly what I want and like and how long to do it and I’ll draw them a goddamn roadmap if I need to.
Our sex organs are where all of our power comes from as women. I mean, seriously, that shit literally creates PEOPLE. Respect it, tap into its power, give it pleasure. Treat it like a goddamn queen.
I’m done with pushing-your-head-down kind of dudes. I only roll with the “I’ll eat your pussy as long as I have to, baby” kind of guys. And if that means I’ll spend the next few years fucking complete strangers on tinder and masturbating to porn until someone fits that bill, then so be it. Anything is better than dating a guy who sucks at life and at women.
By the way, I’ve gotten so good at my firewall system, both men and women actually pay me now to help them weed through the crazies on tinder. Who knew a slut-shaming, sexual prude like me would ever end up consulting people about their dating lives or helping them get laid. I guess the worst thing that ever happened to me was also, in this super fucked up way, the best thing that ever happened to me because it forced me step into my power and to become a version of myself I didn’t think was possible.
Melanie Hamlett:
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